Fear and faith

Yesterday it happened. Something that I have been dreading to happen for a while now. I was in the bathroom straightening my hair with the flat iron when I saw something on the top of my head. What is that, I wondered? A hair that got a little too much highlighting color on it? As I looked closer, I saw that it was very short and wiry feeling. Uh, oh. So of course, I plucked it...and yep, you guessed it, it was a gray hair. :( This led me to look even closer in my hair, only to discover two more!!! What in the world? Gray hair?!? I wasn't supposed to get any of these until at least 40, right? After all, I'm only 31!

Well...for those of you that don't know me well, I am about to let you in on one of my greatest fears (seriously)....getting older. I mean it, when I start thinking about getting older, my parents getting older, grandparents, you get it... I can hardly stand it. Really. I get very panicky thinking about it. I'm not even sure why. I mean, I am a Christian. I know what the Bible teaches about this life and the after-life. Why should I fear that? It doesn't make any sense. (fear usually doesn't!) Anyway.....

Back to my story....after my gray-hair discovery...I went to the kitchen to fix lunch for the kids. Of course, they had no idea what Mommy was dealing with on the inside.It was a snowball effect. I started thinking about those hairs, the fact that I'll be 40 in 9 years, let's see...how old will that make my parents? My grandparents? My in-laws? It just kept going. I stood by the kitchen window in tears thinking about my fears of aging, death, losing family members, etc...TRYING to "talk" myself out of it. TRYING to remind myself of God and His promises, but it was going nowhere. When fear sets in, it is SO hard to get through...so hard to "talk" yourself out of. Anyway, my kids were at the kitchen table talking....so I tuned into the conversation they were having.

Emma: "Noah, Daddy told me that when we get to heaven that we will have a big house there!"
Noah: "Yeah, Emma...won't that be great? That way we won't have to go far to see Grandma, or Nana, or Grandpa, etc..." (the list went on and on)
Emma: "Yeah! That will be so much fun! And we can live with Mommy and Daddy and all be together!"
Noah: "Yeah, but Emma, do you know how you get to heaven?"
Emma: "How, Noah?"
Noah: "Well, you have to believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus, do you, Emma?"
Emma: "Yes, I believe in Jesus, too!"

I stood there with tears in my eyes. The God of the universe who knows my every fear, who knows every hair on my head (even the gray ones!) totally used my kids' conversation at that PERFECT moment, to remind me of what is important. Of what is to come. Of His love for me. Of the child-like faith that I need.  Nothing complicated, just child-like faith in the One who knows my name, knows all my fears, thoughts, wants and needs. Who CARES about those fears, thoughts, wants and needs...and only wants me to trust Him in all things. I stood in amazement that God took that moment when I was so fearful of what is to come, to use my sweet children to remind me of all those things that Andy and I try to remind them of. What an amazing God.

There's so much more that I want to say, could say, but time is not allowing at the moment. Mostly I just wanted to get some of my thoughts down as a reminder to myself, and in times to come. Also to share with you a very precious time yesterday that God used my children to remind me of how amazing He truly is.